I am reading a book by self-proclaimed relationship guru Steve Harvey which talks about men’s expectations about women. He says that men need three things from women. Their appreciation, their respect and their ‘cookie.’ Reading that, I wanted to throw a jar of real cookies Mr. Harvey’s way.
The ‘cookie’ as Mr. Harvey stated was, you guessed it, sex. Men need it. They gotta have it. And according to Mr. Harvey, if we women don’t give it up, guys will find someone who will.
Giving up the ‘cookie’ will make men devoted love slaves and providers. But not if women give it up too quickly. You see, that’s wrong too.
So, in some places, Mr. Harvey suggests the theory that men do everything with the thought of getting sex from women. Even sitting next to you at church. Every nice thing they do is in hopes of someday getting sex. That’s who men are, Mr. Harvey postulates.
I thought about that for a while, and then, I wondered if that was who Mr. Harvey was (and is.) Perhaps it makes him feel better to paint every other man in the world as being the same way. But just because Mr. Harvey suggests that ‘all’ men are this way, doesn’t mean that it is necessarily true.
Mr. Harvey also states that men also want to know if the ‘cookie’ they get is worth the price of regular munching. You know, for them to do the “C” word–commitment. Or if that ‘cookie’ is just a sample from the bakery and they want to try every one in the shop.
They have to, Mr. Harvey says, decide if we’re someone to ‘throw back’ or ‘keep.’ Now, perhaps, he meant to be funny in his attempt to explain men, but quite honestly, it made me pretty darn mad. Has society become that immoral? Have we lost all concept of what makes up right and wrong in how we treat the opposite sex?
First off, ‘IT’ is NOT a ‘cookie.’ It is our precious sexuality, not a yummy treat for men to obtain, use, then discard.
And, if all a man will wait is a month (Mr. Harvey’s deadline when he was single) then he moves on to get that ‘cookie’ somewhere else—my thought is, he needs to move on.
If a man in my life is like that, I hope the alternate ‘cookie’ he finds isn’t full of a venereal disease, or doesn’t go bat poop crazy on him. Our sexuality isn’t a cookie to dole out like a halloween goodie. It’s a precious gift, to be shared when and with whom we choose, on our own terms–end of story.
Second, men aren’t the only ones who get to choose who to keep or who to throw back. I’ve ‘thrown back’ several self-assured males in my time who tried to convince me that they were doing me a favor by wanting a relationship with me.
However, Mr. Harvey does make really good sense about something that I just did not get until recently. Women, our time is valuable. Our LOVE is valuable. WE are valuable.
Harvey states that one man will think that taking a woman out, heck, just giving her an hour of his time is too high a price for her affection. Another man might think that is a very reasonable price. And you know, I’ve seen this. I’ve known men who didn’t think I was worth an hour at a coffee shop, but I chased said men like they were Prince Charming! Wrong answer!
I spent years as a pleaser, (something I can still be guilty of,) and blamed myself when such men pouted, played, and evaporated–even when I moved heaven and earth to show them what a loving and great woman I was. What a great catch.
I gave myself hell because these so-called dream men couldn’t see past the end of their own noses, and see that they had a hell of a woman in the palm of their hand.
Somewhere along the way, I learned that I deserved better. I have a good job, a good home, a good life. I have friends who love me and let me see that all the time. I have people who go out of their way to let me know that they value my time, and me. I can count on these folks for compliments on bad days, pats on the back when I’ve not had a pat in a while, thoughtful gifts that are as unexpected as they are precious.
I’ve slowly learned not to take such loving and worthy people for granted. For years, I chased selfish players and tilted at windmills for things that such Don Juans were simply not capable (or willing) to give. More and more, I can quickly see such a type coming, and step aside. Just not interested anymore.
Today, I’m just enough of a hard head, to, with my hard-won (and relatively new) self-respect, that I am now willing to go to my grave alone rather than knock on the wall of one more self-centered man and beg him to love me.
I think just by being me, the guys I meet know that I’m a good person. I don’t have to prove it. Maybe the mistake I’ve made, over and over, was to try to prove I was worthy of some blind Casanova. The problem wasn’t not being good enough–it was that I was too good for those not willing to pay the price.
Reading Mr. Harvey’s book reminded me of something key that I need to be reminded of. So, I say it to my fellow sisters, as I say it to myself:
Women, listen up! Decide what you will put up with, and what you won’t. What you are willing to give, and what you would like to receive. And don’t back off that. If you are met with sulking, demands and attempts at manipulation, you are not dealing with anyone worth your time.
Your love is Valuable. Your time is precious. Games are for little boys, and little girls who do not realise that they are children of God. Women, you deserve to be Courted and won. YOU are valuable.
ACT with self-respect! Know your worth! You might be surprised how you are treated! You might be surprised how quickly some men run away like roaches under the fridge when lights are turned on. Don’t demand anything–just have reasonable expectations, communicate those clearly, and know you’re worth it. Those who can’t handle who you are, are NOT worthy of you.
Go out into the world this week like you believe this! You’re not just a ‘cookie’ to be munched–you are a rare treat. Act that way, and refuse to give the time of day to anyone who would treat you as less.