“There’s an Episcopalian Under My Bed!”

By Laura Kathryn Rogers

Harvey Bradshaw loved the Episcopal church like fat kids love cake. Like some Alabamians love the Auburn Tigers. Like Johnny Paul Vernon loved Jack Daniels.

He’d go over to the next county to Woodfordsville to get his weekly fix of high church Episcopal gospel. Sometimes, he’d make his only child, Eulalie go with him. Sometimes, she got a reprieve, and went to one of the ‘fun’ Penecostal churches her mother was currently attending.

Harvey met Julie Ann, Eulalie’s mother, and after a very brief courtship, got married. By the time both thought it was a mistake, Eulalie was around, and they figured that for her sake, they might as well stick it out. Harvey wanted to go back up North, and Julie Ann wanted to stay put. Her strong will won out, and for the rest of his life, Harvey wore a look of dismay every time he was with most of his wife’s family.

Of all Julie Ann’s siblings, he could tolerate Georgia Grace the least. She would back slap the guy and nearly knock him to the floor. She came up with a nickname for him, “Stinky” and didn’t understand why that was offensive to him. And when she came to his house, she broke furniture and ate him out of house and home.

Before Georgia Grace ruined her sister, Bessie-Ann’s first two marriages, and became the family black sheep, she often came to visit Julie-Ann. Of all the Vernon girls, Julie-Ann was the best cook. Eulalie would watch, entranced, as her mother would take a pinch of this and a handful of that, and wave her hands over a bubbling pot like a magician casting a spell. She never failed to prepare something delightful.

Only, in Georgia Grace’s case, Julie-Anne could never make enough.

Julie-Ann and Harvey had a five acre farm just outside of Contentment, nearest to Clevus and Eleanor Grace’s palatial spread. Harvey was often, when off work, doing something in his barn or to his car. Naturally thin, he picked up a trick from one of their several barn cats, of making himself narrow and pretty much invisible. He used this trick when he saw Georgia Grace coming to visit.

But sometimes he just got caught. And Julie-Ann would insist that Georgia Grace stay to supper.  This was in Georgia Grace’s single days, and she never had to be convinced too much. But sometimes, Harvey wished his (usually) sweet mouthed Southern wife wouldn’t be so nice

He sometimes came close to tears when he heard his wife say, “What’s your hurry? Stay with us!”

Georgia Grace usually had it timed to arrive about the time that Julie Anne was setting out the chicken and dumplings, or fried chicken. Julie Anne always made a lot of food, because she didn’t know how to do anything else, so the meals started out okay.

Georgia Grace would reach for the main dish, knocking Harvey back in the chair. “Oh, Stinky, I didn’t mean to do that. Have some chicken.” He’d go for the chicken, and come into contact with her grasping hand, again. At first, Harvey would sit and wait thinking that he’d finally get something to eat if he waited long enough. But thinking like that meant that his plate was still empty about the same time that the serving platters also were.

Then, Georgia Grace would go and sit on the new couch Harvey had just bought for the family. The couch, not capable of handling Georgia Grace’s 450-500 pound frame, would gently collapse, its springs giving a gentle sigh and dying.

Time for a new couch.

Julie-Anne wouldn’t ask Georgia Grace to sit elsewhere until Harvey told Julie-Anne she was going to have to get a job to pay for new furniture after Georgia Grace busted four different couches in less than a year.

Julie-Anne managed (most of the time) after that to direct Georgia Grace to the most sturdy of the recliners, telling her it ‘was the best chair in the house.’ Georgia Grace, flattered, would usually sit there. It kept the destruction to a minimum.

After awhile, Harvey put a refrigerator out in the barn, stocked it with cold cuts, breads and other easy to fix snacks, and when he saw Georgia Grace pull up in one of her late model Ford vehicles, he’d just plan to have supper out there. When Georgia Grace asked  where he was, Julie-Anne said he was working late.

After Georgia Grace became a family black sheep, she still tried to visit. Only, Julie-Ann would try to act like no one was home. Whoever spotted Georgia Grace first would quietly alert the other two family members and everyone would hide.

The reason for the hiding was Georgia Grace was persistent. She saw the vehicles in the drive, and sometimes even saw one of the family members running inside as if from a twister. So, she’d knock. Then, knock some more. She’d go to windows, one by one, hollering Julie-Anne’s name. God help them if a door had been left unlocked. Then, they’d have to entertain.

Eulalie finally came up with an idea of how to avoid her aunt, though at 6 or  7, she didn’t really understand why Georgia Grace was now a ‘black sheep.’ Her parents’ bed had enough clearance underneath for all three of them to get under, and the bed skirt kept anyone from seeing folks who might be hiding underneath.

This usually worked. It was just the waiting that was hard. An hour of being afraid to whisper (Georgia Grace had exceptional hearing) or move, or work the plumbing could wear on a soul. If one family member was irritated with the other, lying under the bed in close proximity  could ignite a feud that gave away their presence in the house.

Now, at that time, Georgia Grace still lived with Aunt Ginny. Most of the time on weekdays, she was at beauty school in Morgan County. So, that was when most of the other siblings would visit. One day, Harvey was sitting down to a full plate of Southern deliciousness at Aunt Ginny’s table, when he heard his daughter making a whooping sound a lot like a police siren.

Eulalie came running in, flushed and breathing hard, and sputtered….”Georgia Grace!!!”

Aunt Ginny frowned at her. “Aunt Georgia Grace, you mean.”

Eulalie nodded, “She’s HERE!”

Well, all of a sudden there was just the full plate where Harvey had sat. Aunt Ginny hadn’t been briefed on how the Bradshaw’s handled her niece’s visits, and didn’t have time to question Harvey’s disappearance.

Georgia Grace came in, nearly squeezing the life out of Eulalie, and kissing her about ten times more than the child ever wanted to be kissed again. Right about then, she saw Harvey’s overflowing plate,  and exclaimed with pleasure that Aunt Ginny must have been psychic, to have a plate ready for her right on arrival.

Julie-Anne started to say something, when a loud groan came from the other part of Aunt Ginny’s house. Another groan came next– louder, then hisses, yowls, meows and then a crash. Rufus and Georgette, housecats of Aunty Ginny came tearing from that part of the house, nearly tripping Aunt Ginny.

Georgia Grace who loved both cats more than she loved people went running in the direction of the noise. Aunt Ginny, Julie-Ann and Eulalie quickly followed.

Harvey was slowly sliding out from under Georgia Grace’s bed, rubbing at a scratched and bitten leg.

“There’s an Episcopalian under my bed!” Georgia Grace said, at a total loss for any other comment. Harvey, now fully out from the bed, stared at his sister-in-law, who stared back at him.

“Aw, Stinky, why are you messing with my cats? Don’t you know that they are the only ones allowed under that bed?”

“I wasn’t messing with your cats.” Harvey said shortly. “I was trying to avoid running into you!”

After a lengthy silence, a family drama ensued with the sisters and Harvey airing every grievance they’d ever had against each other until Aunt Ginny thought she’d have to get her walking stick after all of them. Eulalie got a plate of supper and took it up to the tree house out back, especially after the sisters started referring to each other as female dogs, and Georgia Grace started questioning if Harvey’s parents had been married when he was born.

After the fuss, which went on til Aunt Ginny had enough, and did bring her walking stick into it, the other adults grumpily went into their corners. Understanding fully now that she wasn’t really welcome at Julie-Anne’s anymore because of her homewrecking  past (though it wasn’t her fault)  furniture breaking, and eating too darn much (which she could be blamed for) Georgia Grace decided to stop visiting Julie-Anne as frequently she had been.

It would have been great for Georgia Grace to have understood her part in the dispute, but she decided to blame it on Harvey.

It, after all, couldn’t be blamed on her older sister.